On the day of my friend’s dad funeral, somebody pointed out that it was cold and her mother should have a shawl. I got up to get one. A well meaning relative followed me. I picked a maroon shawl. The well meaning relative muttered, “Red won’t be appropriate, take the beige one.” I assured her maroon would be just fine, knowing aunt was in no state to object.
Later she mentioned how another acquaintance had pointed out on her, who was so distraught after her husband died that even a year afterwards; she hardly ate unless someone persuaded her to eat. Perhaps she needed a maid for a while. Join Yoga classes. Get out and meet people, anything to lift her spirits, and help her get on with life. Instead she was used as a subtle example of good widowhood. Sometimes I find these woman justifying there marital status. I remember I told Aunty that when my grandmother died how proud I was for her ,she was a role model for all young women.Having just passed her 10th in those days the lady never hesitated to implement changes with time in our house.The culture of new bride not interacting freely with elders,hiding faces from elder in laws to prove her respect for them ,well decked up from top to bottom with jewelries to prove her innocence was not followed.She believed love,respect and innocence is not proved by the way you dress up but by your actions . Sometimes I find it strange to understand how a lady of those times (1930-2008) had such thoughts.Then I find may be she had spent most of her times in those days after marriage in MUMBAI where among-st the developed minds ,she inherited them as well.But certainly can development be made only by changing our places ? Cant we use a little bit of our logical reasoning to understand the reasons behind few superstitions which still in few parts of our country is being followed by woman even if they like it or not –giving the name OUR VALUABLE CULTURE. How proud I was when I told well-meaning relatives, “My old grandmother wears sleeveless/lipstick/pretty colours/diamonds… ” etc. I didn’t even want to mention how grandpa never cared for such customs.
WHY ANCESTRAL CULTURE ONLY FOR WOMEN?
I keep on asking mom -Why do women wear sindoor, mangalsutra, bangles, bichia, tali etc? To show they are married. Why do they need to ‘show’ or announce they are married? (Please don’t bring love into it, because even the most unhappily married women wear these). And then why are they expected to take these symbols off when their spouse dies? Do they stop being married?
Seriously, if a lady’s husband dies, is she not married anymore? I guess she still is married to her husband… who may not be alive in physical form, but his soul is still there!! The relation is eternal.
What is it that men have to show they are married? forget Christians.. am talking abt Hindus… women wear thali and toe ring.. but men – only a few extra threads in their holy thread. When i see aunts and sis’s of mine not sporting toe rings, or not wearing their thali all the time am quite impressed, some remove it at night and put it on in the morning, while others wear it only in the presence of elders or going for family occasions..Here comes Fear, Consciousness of what relatives would grade us .Even if they want to or not to show the world that they are the best Bahus this world can ever have.Sounds quiet unproven.
It is possible that these were considered adornments to look beautiful to one’s husband as also symbols that kept other men from leeching at her indicating she is married.
Perhaps widows did not feel the need for such adornments after their husbands’ death and hence voluntarily gave them up.
But all this should be voluntary and no one should be forced into giving up colored clothes or bangles or sindoor. It is bad enough that the woman has lost her loved one. Why force some ugly practices and force her into mourning for ever?
I am not a crusader against these ornaments and they are actually quite attractive. A matching bindi with a lovely sari can never go wrong after all. What we need to be against is the culture of ‘you should’, the culture of compulsion. For nothing should be forced upon us, whether it is by virtue of a relationship or a custom. What we should not tolerate are the judgement we tend to pass because of what one is or is not wearing.
What I am arguing for is the right to choose – the right to wear what we want, when we want, how we want. It’s one’s personal choice – let us learn to respect it. And it is not just about these ornaments – it is about so many other choices women make. Let us broaden our horizons a bit and start respecting women irrespective of whether they choose to work or not, whether they choose to get married or not, whether they choose to have a child or not, whether they choose to cook or not, whether they choose to have long hair or not, whether they choose to wear a short skirt or not. If we cannot understand her choices let us remain quiet instead of passing judgments. If we cannot admire women who follow their heart, do what they want, we certainly have no right to mock them either.
So to begin with, let us stop judging women who don’t display their marital status on their toes, forehead, or wrists. They don’t love or care for their husband any less than those who choose to wear these. They are as committed to the long-life and well-being of their husband as much as any other married woman is. I refuse to accept and believe that such minor elements can be the cornerstones of a healthy, happy marriage.
Wear them because you want to not because someone somewhere said that you have to!
God has gifted us with a wonderful life and a much better thing to enhance our life thats marriage.
For me Marriage is a fingerprint ,each one is different and each one is beautiful. Taking the sole responsibility of each other and families as well is not easy. Things get easier if we value each others thoughts not what people around us think.A woman leaves everything to step into a different life .
She feels blessed with a partner who respects her and allows her to be herself.
I salute to all those men who have certainly stood behind there partner not allowing her to loose her identity. I am one of that to get that blessing.
I donot disrespect the Cultures made by our ancestors but yes idolize “ Culture is speaking words to others that donot hurt them,helping one when in need,achieving your dreams in a truthful way,taking the moral values inherited from our parents to our next generation,eradicating superstition from minds of people around and giving them light to live a life with responsibility, confidence,hope and happiness .”
